My favorite, “what if”

“There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a special place in your heart for a child that never comes.” – David Platt

For a while I questioned if I wanted to share about something so personal on my blog and came to the conclusion that I did. I created this blog to share about my life with others…and life, like we all know, is not all rainbows and butterflies.

On the morning of April 20th I was in shock and jumping of joy because I had gotten a second pink line. & just as fast as the joy came, it faded. April 24th came and sadly I had become the 1 in 4…I had had an early miscarriage.

As I sat in the doctors office, hearing the words “I’m sorry, you are having a miscarriage.” I just stared blankly at the doctor. I already knew what was happening, but I had just gotten medical confirmation of it. I felt like a failure, like my body had betrayed me…like I was being punished by God! I kept wondering what I had done that was so bad to be punished that way. Not only that, but I felt like I didn’t have a right to grieve my loss since it was such an early miscarriage. Yet, it was still a loss and I was completely devastated.

I didn’t know how to tell my husband, he was so excited by the idea of being a dad. I felt like I was letting him down. I also didn’t want to tell my closest friends and family because I didn’t want to hear what they had to say. To this day there are some loved ones I didn’t disclose this information to, and this blog post will be the first time they know anything of it. I apologize, but it was my pain and my loss to share…in my own way and at my own time.

Eventually I told my mom, sister, brother and best friend. I quickly regretted it; although they meant well, their words just upset me more. To this day they tell me I can just try again or that it wasn’t meant to be and/or the right time…but I wanted that baby, I wanted that pregnancy.

Today, I am about two weeks post miscarriage and all that I am left with are some of the symptoms like mood swings and weight gain.

It’s still hard for me to go on social media. I just keep seeing everyone posting about being pregnant or having just given birth. & although I am happy for them, I can’t help but feel sad for my loss.

& yes, maybe one day I will experience the joy of being a mother. For now though, I just want to get over the loss at my pace.

Side note: I didn’t write this blog post to throw myself a pity party or to ask for people’s attention. I shared it so that other women know they are not alone in their loss and the feelings of grief that come with it.

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